Yeah Write #67: Leaving ( #amwriting #microstory )
from: thumbs.dreamstime.com
Empty mugs and cold coffee rings punctuated the tail of twenty years on a Thursday afternoon.
“We’ll talk again soon,” he said.
She muttered, “What for?”
He kissed her temple, grabbed the duffel, and crossed the threshold. Later, she spied the pristine, rectangle patch where the family portrait had hung.
21 comments on “Yeah Write #67: Leaving ( #amwriting #microstory )”
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Aspiring writer, wife, mother of two, owner two cats. Teacher, lover of science, books, science fiction, fantasy, and video games.
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Laissez Faire 
Your first word sets up the feeling of emptiness and the rest carries it right on through. I really like that.
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I am glad that the empty imagery came through. I rewrote that last line so many times. Thanks for stopping by to comment.
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I agree with Lisa, that theme of emptiness is well preserved here and so nicely delivered, but that last line mixed with what he tells her breaks my heart. He’s leaving her, and, yet, it seems like he wants to pour salt in the wound–telling her they’ll talk again later, taking the family portrait with him. That’s what I’m getting from this piece, and it’s so mean to her. What a wonderful piece!
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That is an unexpected take on it, but I am intrigued. I thought the kiss and the fact that he took a portrait with him showed he cared. Without knowing the reasons for leaving or who was at fault, I guess it really open to interpretation. Thanks for sharing that thought,
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It’s so confusing as to why he would kiss her and tell her they will
Talk again. I love her ‘why bother’ because it’s spot on.
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Thanks for reading 🙂 I suppose he kisses her because he still cares, but sometimes one has to choose oneself in certain circumstances — even if the other person gets hurt and angry as is ineveitable in a break up.
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Whoo. The years of dust built up around that portrait. The faded paint. What a strong image.
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Thanks. That last bit was hard to get quite right, I am glad that it had the intended visual impact though. Thanks for stopping by!
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Oof. The empty mugs gone cold, the “what for,” the missing portrait…perfect details and descriptors.
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Thank you I am glad that the images worked for so many in the way I intended.
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Rectangle patch broke my heart.Its a soulful piece!
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Thanks for reading. Not that I’m glad your heart is broken, but you know…that was the emotion I was going for. 🙂
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I love how you’ve used empty space to frame a piece about, essentially, emptiness. And I love the visuals of coffee rings, empty mugs, and the empty place on the wall. The only thing that really jars in this piece is that I’m pretty sure I can see where you struggled with the edits in that last line. Shortening up the first sentence would have made room for you to draw a clearer visual of the place the photo of them together hung, the one “shared” item he chose to take with him besides the duffel. That’s a beautiful, poignant touch and I don’t want it to get lost as the reader fights with sentence structure.
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You caught me spot on. Yes, I was still working on that last line. I was still deciding on the right verb (noticed or saw or spied or walked by) and the right last word (hand been? hung? was?). I still can’t decided 🙂 I’m happy at least that the imagery still works.
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Oh, Tara! The empty space where the picture was broke my heart.
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I hoped it gave some hope though that he wasn’t necessarily a bad person as he could have taken a lot of things or nothing.
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Oh I didn’t think of that, but it makes sense 🙂
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I echo the comments about the photograph. You certainly know where to end your stories. My only constructive criticism is “punctuated the tail.” To me it came across as a mixed metaphor. Punctuated the end of their story? Punctuated their final chapter?
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I should have left off “the tail” it really wasn’t needed. I suppose I was trying to avoid using the word end and ended up with cutting and still didn’t cut enough. I couldn’t seem to find the right balance. Though, I am happy that the other imagery worked well. Thanks 🙂 Always helpful as usual.
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Wow! Wonderful imagery.
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Thanks!
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