Laissez Faire

Letting Life Lead

Article #6: Yes, Children, People Have Sex For Pleasure

intimate1My children are quite young yet, but always on my mind is the reality of preparing them for one of the major roles in their life.  Americans don’t like to talk about the S word and certainly don’t like talking about the S word in front of the children.     Which makes no sense, since that is how said children are made.    I remember watching the “special program” on TV and that was really weird, and by the time my mother decided to talk about it, I didn’t want to talk about it.     I had already learned quite a lot from some questionable schoolmates and the rest from the school library.   The copy of a particular soft-cover book was dog-eared, bent, and someone had drawn in a considerable amount of body hair in pen and added any missing vocabulary.

I bought the book It’s Not the Stork just after my first was born as a way to help us to talk about just the practical aspects of bodies and procreation.     I know this is not enough though.      It might seem silly to some, but there are days that I am frightened by the thought that I might die before I have a chance to have these conversations with my children!  As equally as panicked as I am to actually have them.

What will I do when my children ask me about sex.  Not the biology part about sperm and eggs, but the other part?  The part that is about personal and cultural reasons?

“Mom, I want to talk about sex and not that sperm and egg stuff. ”

I hope my darlings might forgive me if I choke on my coffee or drop a plate.    I can see myself being as awkwardly progressive as the dad from American Pie.

I hope I can say, without visibly sweating, the truth:

“People have sex because it feels good.   Sometimes they do it because they want to have children.  Sometimes they only want to get married and share it with one person ever.   But, mostly, people do it because they like it. ”

“People will tell you that if you have sex with more than one person or before you are married or for enjoyment that you are wrong or ruined or dirty.  That is not true.     Sharing body with another person will not change who you are, but the reasons you have sex will change your experience.     If you are being pressured or coerced and feel conflicted, that’s a reason to decline and walk away with your head high.    If you feel like you need to deceive and push your partner then you don’t understand the first thing about sex and you better turn around and keep walking.   When you feel ready, you will say yes without hesitation and only accept the same from the other person.    Never believe it when anyone tells you that you ‘lose your virginity’.     Be sure the reasons are a good one and even an awkward, horrible first time will not be a lifelong regret.  You lose nothing the first time you have sex, but you do gain new experiences so be sure it is what you want with the person that you choose at the right moment (with a giant box of condoms and a lubricant for goodness sakes). ”

Cue an embarrassed, “Mom!”

“What?   If you can’t talk about lubrication and condoms then you definitely won’t be ready to take your genitals out for a test drive.   Know what happens when you drive a car without oil?  Same thing.    And don’t try to drag race the first time out.  Think moped.”

“So, you think I should wait?”

“If you are waiting for me to tell you when then you aren’t ready.  I can tell you that I want you  to have good, healthy, safe experiences.    When you are ready you will ask me the real questions, and I won’t need to tell you what they are.”

I am quite sure the conversation won’t go exactly like that, but I try to practice it in my head so that I can actually speak when that day arrives.    I  may also have to smooth over things with a Dad for one of them.      The following bloggers say it better than I can:

The Goodmen Project:  Dear Daughter I Hope You Have Awesome Sex
The Goodmen Project:  You Can Get Laid Without Being a Jerk (A sister advices a brother)
What If We Admitted to Children that Sex Was About Pleasure?

Laci Green – Consent 101



8 comments on “Article #6: Yes, Children, People Have Sex For Pleasure

  1. Daleen
    March 2, 2015

    I remember the ‘how are babies made’ discussion when my son was 3. He asked and therefore I answered. No funny names either. Penis and vagina. I did not want him to have a pet name for his genitals. Then came this discussion- quite a bit later. It was easy because we did not have any taboos that could not be talked about openly. Now he is 18 and in a steady relationship, so when I make the shopping list I call out from the study: “Honey! Do you need condoms?!” And he would shout back from his bedroom:”No thanks Mom! I still have enough!” “And shampoo?” Yip, I need some of that!” I sleep well at night

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      March 2, 2015

      I hope it will be that comfortable in the house 🙂 it will be a work in progress for sure. It took me a lot of practice to say vulva too–which will be a whole nother article!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Daleen
        March 2, 2015

        Hahaha! The only discussion I found mildly difficult so far was: “Mom, what should I do to make sure I am not a selfish lover?” He reckoned it won’t help asking his dad as his dad does not have the ‘correct parts’ to be able to give him the best advice. That one was awkward

        Liked by 1 person

      • Laissez Faire
        March 2, 2015

        Oh, my. LOL


  2. reallifemarti
    March 2, 2015

    I can’t even contemplate that right now. I. just. can’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jdawgswords
    March 3, 2015

    you are awesome parent because kids WILL teach themselves so any intervention on your part will certainly guide them in positive directions…or at at greatly increase your odds of not becoming a grandparent to a 9th grader…so kudos to you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      March 3, 2015

      One can only try! We can’t always be there protect them, but my husband and I hope we can give them enough guidance to help themselves.

      Liked by 1 person

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