Laissez Faire

Letting Life Lead

Yeah Write #67: Leaving ( #amwriting #microstory )

from: thumbs.dreamstime.com

Empty mugs and cold coffee rings punctuated the tail of twenty years on a Thursday afternoon.

“We’ll talk again soon,” he said.

She muttered, “What for?”

He kissed her temple, grabbed the duffel, and crossed the threshold. Later, she spied the pristine, rectangle patch where the family portrait had hung.

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21 comments on “Yeah Write #67: Leaving ( #amwriting #microstory )

  1. Your first word sets up the feeling of emptiness and the rest carries it right on through. I really like that.

    Like

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      I am glad that the empty imagery came through. I rewrote that last line so many times. Thanks for stopping by to comment.

      Like

  2. Tony
    May 4, 2017

    I agree with Lisa, that theme of emptiness is well preserved here and so nicely delivered, but that last line mixed with what he tells her breaks my heart. He’s leaving her, and, yet, it seems like he wants to pour salt in the wound–telling her they’ll talk again later, taking the family portrait with him. That’s what I’m getting from this piece, and it’s so mean to her. What a wonderful piece!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      That is an unexpected take on it, but I am intrigued. I thought the kiss and the fact that he took a portrait with him showed he cared. Without knowing the reasons for leaving or who was at fault, I guess it really open to interpretation. Thanks for sharing that thought,

      Like

  3. prettyflyforawhitemom
    May 4, 2017

    It’s so confusing as to why he would kiss her and tell her they will
    Talk again. I love her ‘why bother’ because it’s spot on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      Thanks for reading πŸ™‚ I suppose he kisses her because he still cares, but sometimes one has to choose oneself in certain circumstances — even if the other person gets hurt and angry as is ineveitable in a break up.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. jedwardbenoit
    May 4, 2017

    Whoo. The years of dust built up around that portrait. The faded paint. What a strong image.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      Thanks. That last bit was hard to get quite right, I am glad that it had the intended visual impact though. Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

  5. Laura
    May 4, 2017

    Oof. The empty mugs gone cold, the “what for,” the missing portrait…perfect details and descriptors.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      Thank you I am glad that the images worked for so many in the way I intended.

      Like

  6. Sara
    May 4, 2017

    Rectangle patch broke my heart.Its a soulful piece!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      Thanks for reading. Not that I’m glad your heart is broken, but you know…that was the emotion I was going for. πŸ™‚

      Like

  7. saroful
    May 4, 2017

    I love how you’ve used empty space to frame a piece about, essentially, emptiness. And I love the visuals of coffee rings, empty mugs, and the empty place on the wall. The only thing that really jars in this piece is that I’m pretty sure I can see where you struggled with the edits in that last line. Shortening up the first sentence would have made room for you to draw a clearer visual of the place the photo of them together hung, the one “shared” item he chose to take with him besides the duffel. That’s a beautiful, poignant touch and I don’t want it to get lost as the reader fights with sentence structure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      You caught me spot on. Yes, I was still working on that last line. I was still deciding on the right verb (noticed or saw or spied or walked by) and the right last word (hand been? hung? was?). I still can’t decided πŸ™‚ I’m happy at least that the imagery still works.

      Like

  8. Danielle Dayney
    May 4, 2017

    Oh, Tara! The empty space where the picture was broke my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      I hoped it gave some hope though that he wasn’t necessarily a bad person as he could have taken a lot of things or nothing.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Danielle Dayney
        May 5, 2017

        Oh I didn’t think of that, but it makes sense πŸ™‚

        Like

  9. innatejames
    May 4, 2017

    I echo the comments about the photograph. You certainly know where to end your stories. My only constructive criticism is “punctuated the tail.” To me it came across as a mixed metaphor. Punctuated the end of their story? Punctuated their final chapter?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laissez Faire
      May 4, 2017

      I should have left off “the tail” it really wasn’t needed. I suppose I was trying to avoid using the word end and ended up with cutting and still didn’t cut enough. I couldn’t seem to find the right balance. Though, I am happy that the other imagery worked well. Thanks πŸ™‚ Always helpful as usual.

      Like

  10. Amuseinked
    May 31, 2017

    Wow! Wonderful imagery.

    Liked by 1 person

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